It comes down to having one’s life on the line – I think that point is coming down fast. Being too detached from “life”. I almost want to cry “anhedonia” but I don’t think that’s the case. I think change was due to come into my life but I went past the outer limit with India. So now I have to decompress from that and it’s painful. Sometimes I feel like I’m disintegrating. I think no one cares. So when am I going to snap out of it? I get the feeling that these moments are just that – an experiment, a dabbling. I used to think it was that easy. I’m filling a hole by digging other holes. Is that what I came back from India with? The multi-armed presence of Kaili-Yug held still by rampant inertia?
It’s my detachment and my nebulosity that’s going to be my end. If I feel so removed from this reality – from this crappy day-to-day that also has its bejeweled aspects – then I’m going to fly up my own ass and not be here much longer.
Is my life really consumed now by the rampant and rabid pursuit of the essence of “Whatever”?